I remember reading in Stephen King's On Writing the idea that we all write for a "perfect reader." His is his wife. It made a lot of sense to me because that's exactly what I do, or did. For original fiction, my perfect reader is my mom. She's also my editor.
But I realized I don't have that for fanfic (either one). I've unconsciously fallen into thinking I did a few times, only to be disappointed. I've tried to distance myself from it, but doing that is not easy and feels unnatural. I think it's only normal to write with someone in mind. So who am I writing for? Does it matter?
Not that I've been writing. I've been doing a lot of thinking about writing the last few days, but I haven't been able to get myself to sit down and put words to anything. Part of the problem is that I'm going to feel guilty no matter what I work on, and I haven't really wanted to deal with that. I know people are waiting for the fanfic, but Silver has been sitting for so long that anyone who might have been following it has probably given up. As far as I can tell, anyway. But this is my baby and I need to finish it.
Not that I've been completely unproductive. I rediscovered the joys of velour and pastel dust, and impossible to open fixative cans. I can't even express how it feels to be able to draw again. I still have to be careful, but it's not making me want to curl up and weep afterwards.
Tomorrow I will get back on the writing. Though on what, I'm not sure.